My Own Weight Struggles & TRUE HONEST feelings about Competing

I am going to do something I really never have done before. I’m going to talk about the phases of my weight fluctuations and my most honest feelings about competing.

I have never considered myself overweight in my life. As a kid I was extremely active. I did cross-country, soccer, softball; you name it. I was a very finicky eater, and hated vegetables. I had 1% milk with dinner every night and frequently drank Coke. I loved McDonalds and tacos and ice cream. However, I also loved fruit and was naturally smaller.

I remember always being called small growing up. I never felt that I would ever have to worry about my weight. However, with slightly overweight parents I wondered if one day I would have to watch what I ate. I always thought that would be when I was a mom, or something.

I remember my freshman year of high school beginning to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I had just finished cross-country season and was not doing a spring sport. I enjoyed drinking every weekend. I would have English muffins with butter, scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and orange juice for breakfast. I would have either a bagel with cream cheese or chicken nuggets with tator tots for lunch every day in the cafeteria. I would come home and have a grilled cheese or tacos and lay in bed and watch Netflix and do homework.I ate power bars as snacks. I remember getting to the point where I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but I never remember feeling fat

Screen Shot 2015-05-09 at 11.26.58 PM Screen Shot 2015-05-09 at 11.26.48 PM(Above pictures are age 15 versus age 22)

            By my junior year of high school, I began watching what I ate more. I felt uncomfortable in bathing suits and made healthy switches. I made smoothies, and ate vegetarian chicken patties or veggie burgers. I would eat salads, and began taking classes at the gym such as Zumba or Power classes.

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(Above picture gym obsessed, mostly healthy eating but lacked protein and cheated weekends)

            Then, when I was a freshman in college, I was gym obsessed. My diet wasn’t great. I usually ate healthy Monday through Thursdays and fell off the wagon on weekends. But I spent hours at the gym doing cardio. I consider this my skinny fat phase.

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I struggled with disliking the shape of my body and admiring Fitness girls I followed on instagram. I began attempting to lift weights but didn’t know what I was doing so much. I ate a lot of fruit, spinach, and salads and drank lots of water. I cut out sodas and milk and white bread.

As time went on, I met people who liked to lift and tried cross fit and learned a lot about efficient workouts. I loved feeling sore, and when I saw girls compete in fitness competitions at my gym, I decided to give it a try.

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(First competition versus second)

            I had a horribly rocky prep my first time around and thought I would never compete again. All grilled chicken, fish, and asparagus felt miserable. I didn’t do it the healthy way because I switched coaches mid way and almost quit a few times. My stage weight was 102 lbs.

(Below is post prep weight gain, lack of muscle tone from not going to gym)

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After my show was over, I decided I needed a mental break. I was tired of planning and eating and living at the gym. But a mental break turned into a gluttony lifestyle. I felt like my mind worked differently and that I always needed to eat everything in sight. I found myself waking up and eating pancakes with tons of butter and syrup and not letting myself get hungry before planning my next meal. I would snack in between meals, and literally every meal I would eat beyond stomach- ache. I would buy ice cream bars and eat them in my car alone so that no one would see and then throw out the wrappers. In two weeks I put on twenty pounds. I slowed down after that but consistently put on about two pounds a month after that. Finally, I felt uncomfortable and miserable again. I went from my dream body to the worst body of my life in two weeks. I felt embarrassed in even a sweatshirt and sweatpants. My face was so full and puffy. I had no energy to workout. I decided that the only way I could lose the weight was to train for another show.

 (below is post show gluttony)Screen Shot 2015-05-09 at 11.33.23 PM

            So January 5th, I picked three dates for competitions and started cold turkey with a coach I trusted more than anything. My prep was much more livable. I was never hungry, had six cheat meals along the way, and had carbs almost every day. My workouts were strenuous, but I wanted to be successful more than anything so I found myself pushing harder than ever.

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My first show was last Saturday and I placed 6th. I was so happy with my improvements from my last show, however disappointed not to get a trophy or be nationally qualified. (Top 5). I have two more shows to go, and find myself mentally struggling through these last peak weeks.

I ask myself now, is having a perfect body worth the mental strain and sadness you feel through the process? Is this a shallow sport? Am I a soul or a body? Has this been worth all of the holiday sacrifices and time spent in the gym? Will I be able to maintain this?

This is my honest opinion. Competing has its place. It has been an amazing experience for me. It has let me push my body to an extreme and see myself reach a level of fit that I never would have achieved without it. It has given me confidence, pride, and purpose. It has taught me patience, endurance, and that hard work brings success. However, competing has its dark sides. It is extreme and not everlasting. You will find yourself in your best shape of your life, and still criticizing your body instead of appreciating your success. You will find yourself at times miserable, tired, sad, and lonely. You will find that people appreciate you for something as shallow as the shape of your body, and you will feel like you are missing something in your life. You will not be spending your holidays and your nights drinking and getting dinner with friends. You will not be baking cookies and laughing and eating ben and jerrys on movie nights with the girls. You will be waking up early to do endless cardio, pushing yourself through workouts, and going to bed early. Your days will revolve around work not pleasure. However, it will be worth it.

I see myself competing but not forever. I hope to become nationally qualified one day, and maybe go for my pro card. Maybe I will help other girls train for shows or reach their goal weight. But ultimately this is a hobby for me. A passion, yes. But a hobby. This will not be my career. I hope to find balance in my life after this. I hope to find that I can eat well for my body, and workout every day. But I will not miss weddings and holidays forever. I want to be able to celebrate my life, and taste good food! And not constantly worry about prepping and cooking and cardio and sleep. I want to get married and have a family and be successful. I will not go back to blind eating, gluttony, or obsession. I will prep when I feel like prepping for shows and go for my goals as hobby. But maintaining a stage ready body is not realistic, and there is a very dark, lonely side to competing. I do not regret it, it has taught me so much. It has been the best experience of my life. However, there is more to life.

The Importance of Stage Presence and Posing

One thing that competitors tend to underestimate is how crucial posing and stage presence are in your placing.

Your overall presentation is a HUGE part of whether or not you place.

My first show I completely blew my posing. I definitely recommend getting a posing coach and practice, practice, practice.

I have just begun working with posing coach @sassyandclassyposing ! Follow her on Instagram and check out a clip of my posing practice 🙂

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Four Setbacks We Inflict on Ourselves

Set Backs we Inflict on Ourselves

  1. Not giving it 100 percent

Not giving workouts and diets a 100% effort is the number one set back we put on ourselves. We often find ourselves committing to diets and caving because we don’t want it bad enough or it gets hard.

News Flash- when it gets hard is when the magic happens.

Results take time. Don’t go to the gym and go through the motions. You must connect the muscle to your mind. Make a sincere effort with your form, increase your weight, and don’t let noise in your mind or emotions of the busy day distract you.

Make a lifestyle change; don’t tell yourself I am going to eat healthier. Don’t make excuses for yourself. Don’t think of it as a diet or missing out. Think of it as actively making choices for the body that you want.

  1. Self-Doubt

Do not be afraid of pushing it harder in the gym. Rid yourself of the word CAN’T.

Everyone starts somewhere. Push yourself to challenges you could never imagine being able to do. I am so guilty of this. I avoid pushups, pull-ups, dips, etc. because I have made up my mind that I will never be able to do them.

I slack with my ab exercises because I thought my body just would never have abs. The second I started really trying and believing in myself I saw results.

It is the challenges that are hardest to us that change us the most.

Ask yourself this: Why Not Me? What does anyone who is doing it have that I don’t have?

  1. Forgetting we are in Control

Diets are HARD. Cravings are real. But at the end of the day, you are the only one in control of what goes in your mouth.

If you tell yourself you will not eat certain things. It is up to you and you alone to not eat them.

When you cheat your diets and your workouts, you are ONLY cheating yourself. Skimping the last 10 min off your cardio, swinging through your reps with bad form, sneaking that cookie. Who are you lying to? Who cares? The only person you are hurting is YOU!

  1. Not making improvements/adjustments

Eating the same things every day. Not switching up workouts, increasing cardio, increasing weights, trying new things, etc.

YOU WILL PLATEAU.

You know how much effort you are putting in. Make an effort to make tomorrow better than yesterday.

Current Update

Hi Friends!

It’s been a long time since my last post unfortunately, but I’m back and going to make a sincere effort to keep my posts more consistent!

I just wanted to update everyone with my progress.

My last show was August 2014, Muscle Beach! After this show (My first ever) I gained 15 lbs in two weeks. 0_0 This was a result of the fact that I didn’t reverse diet out. I continued to consistently gain about 2 lbs a weeks until I reached an all time high for me (135 lbs at 5’2”). Then I plateaued.

I was a complete GLUTTON after my show. I was eating very few meals.. averaging 2 meals a day. They would be HUGE portions, often fast food, tons of dairy, always ending in excessive dessert. I was drinking coffee with cream and sugar (EVEN though I prefer black coffee). I was eating candy before bed just because I could. I wasn’t even enjoying my food anymore. I was drinking every opportunity I got.

I was unhappy with the mirror. My face and arms looked fat for the first time in my life. My only way to get back was to start another show prep.

So here I am 8 weeks out from my first show! I plan to do 3 back to back. May 2nd, May 16th, and May 23rd! yay!

I am back down to 118 lbs, and ideally plan to weigh about 110 at my show date. Last years show, I weighed 103 and felt too skinny.

Here are some pictures of my progress and my next post will shed some light on my current training schedule, cardio, and diet!

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Thanks for reading!

Choosing a Competition Bikini

Choosing a bikini is a very important part of preparing for a bikini competition. I would recommend allowing yourself at least 8 weeks before your show when placing an order for a bikini. Most of the time you will receive your bikini two and half weeks after you purchase it. However, I recommend leaving time to make sure it fits right, looks right in person, and in case anything else goes on you want to leave time to order a new one.

Cost of bikinis can range from $100 to $600 and sometimes more or less depending on crystals, seller, and connectors.

When I first saw the cost of bikinis I thought that it was an outrageous rip off. But realized soon after that it is actually reasonable. Even if you buy a plain bikini and add Swarovski crystals yourself, you will spend about the same because the crystals are very expensive. A pack of about 12 is five dollars. I needed like 20 packs to cover my bikini.

My three favorite sellers of bikinis are Kristal Bikinis, Ravish Sands, and Ingrid Romero Bikinis.

My first show bikini was from Kristal Bikinis. The color was powder blue and the price was $175. Then I spent an extra $120 on crystals from A.C. Moore and bedazzles it more. This was the end result:

bikiniiiiii

Ravish sands has very high quality bikinis as well and many pro bikini athletes wear these.

I like Ingrid Romero bikinis because they are unique.

I received my Kristal bikini in 2 weeks from purchase. She was very prompt with my emails. I paid through pay pal. I gave my bra size and waist measurements.

Choosing a color is very hard for me. I really love reds, blues, and pinks. I have heard that judges favor red. What it comes down to is what you love in the end. Choose a color that compliments your hair, skin, and eye color. Ask your friends, family, whoever for their opinion, but in the end your must love it!

Dealing With The “Nay-sayers” of Competing & Staying True to Your Goals

This topic is crucial to recognize when you chose to compete in a bikini competition. THERE WILL BE NEGATIVE OPINIONS ABOUT YOU.

Bikini competitions are relatively new and many people are ignorant. The NPC Bikini division wasn’t developed until 2009. This is the first year that the Olympia is on TV. There is little understanding for female bodybuilding. Bikini was introduced to appeal to the girl who wishes to look less muscular and more feminine. There is a focus on beauty and stage presence as much as there is on physique. For that reason, the bikini division has a lot of backlash and many think that it is not a serious category.

What people don’t understand is that it is just as difficult to achieve. There is just as much hard work put into it and it is just as admirable of an achievement. The difference is the end goal of what you want your body to look like.

There are still weeks of meal prep, hours a day in the gym, emotional and financial struggle involved.

While training for my first competition, I experienced first hand how much people will criticize what you are doing. I don’t know if this is because it is a “bikini competition” or simply because you are doing something extreme that draws attention.

While many people don’t intend to be criticizing you, it is easy to let these remarks get to you.

Here are some of the comments I can remember:

While sitting at a family party, everyone is eating lasagna and mashed potatoes and other delicious foods. I am eating grilled chicken and asparagus out of Tupperware. I am offered some food and I politely decline. “Jenny can’t eat she’s competing to look hotter than other girls in a bikini.” It was after that comment that I thought to myself, “what am I doing?” I was NOT enjoying my food. He was right. It was all to look better than other girls in a bikini on stage. How shallow and pathetic is that? I was missing out on good food and times with family. But I knew that wasn’t my purpose and I shook it off and kept eating.

Explaining to the woman I babysit for that I would be competing again. She says, “Oh, Jenny! I only feel comfortable telling you this because I love you. You were too extreme! Your body doesn’t like that! I wanted to shove a cheeseburger down your throat and tell you to be happy! Don’t do this to yourself again.” This time I could only laugh to myself. What does this woman know about my body? In fact, I was very happy during training. I had more energy and felt healthier than ever before in my life.

Other people would tell me that my face looked so much better “fuller”. Some would tell me that the whole thing was “sexist”. People would say that I looked too thin.

There were times that I would question my reasons for competing. I would wonder if I was seeking attention. I would wonder if it was unhealthy and I was obsessed.

Here is the quote that I use to keep me focused:

“It’s not about a trophy, a placing, or a prize. It’s about setting goals and surpassing them. It’s about discipline, dedication, willpower, reaching deep down and finding strength that you didn’t even know you had. It’s about structure and putting in work and following the plan. It’s science and I’m a living experiment. It’s about being better than my former “best” and proving to myself that I can achieve this. That’s why I do it & that’s what it’s all about.”

I saw this quote on Instagram from another bikini competitor and couldn’t think of anything better to describe what I do and why I do it.

This next competition I will focus on this message. There are two ways of competing. You can tell people. I do this because it holds you more accountable to your actions. Or you can stay private. This is good because you avoid discouragement from these comments. Both take strength. Choose what is best for you.

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What it means to be “Skinny-Fat”

What It Means to be Skinny-Fat

If you follow fitness accounts on Instagram, chances are you’ve heard the term “Skinny-fat”.

This is a term that I had no IDEA what it meant when I first heard it, but now that I have an understanding of it, I couldn’t relate to it more.

I have never been technically overweight in my life. I don’t come from an overweight family, I have always been participating in sports, however I have indulged in an unhealthy relationship with food.

I have spent a lot of my life drinking soda, eating icecream, drinking alcohol. Still, I never saw myself reach overweight. I have, however, been “skinny-fat”.

Skinny-fat refers to being out of shape. Usually it refers to someone with a small body frame. They may lack muscle tone and have a muffin top, or cellulite, or bit of a tummy. Usually their limbs are on the skinny side but nothing looks firm or toned.

Here are two examples of me when I am skinny-fat. I feel horrible in my own skin here. I am killing myself with cardio on a daily basis. I am drinking alcohol, eating large meals very spread apart with little to no nutritional value.

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Then there is me when I’m at my most ideal, yet unrealistic to maintain, stage weight. This is the result of weight training, extremely clean eating, and manipulating my water.

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So what does it look like when I eat relatively clean, drink plenty of water, lift weights, and do no cardio?

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This is balance. This is a cheat meal every 3 days. No cardio.

So you choose. Weights or cardio?

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